the rainbow connection and one-liners and half-finished stories

the non-existence of a computer in my new place and the untimely cut-off of the internet connection from my old have forced me to seek out an internet cafe along katong rd - well, not quite a cafe but close enough (open-air non-aircon concept). at only $1 per hr, this place can be deemed as quaint, faintly dubious and erm, distastefully eclectic. On the walls are a fair mixture of sci-fi movie posters, a classic painting by Verrall titled Un Pichet de limonade (which i presume says: A Pitcher of Lemonade), Islamic inscriptions and Mother Mary in various manifestations. And right at the back of this place near the entrance of the toilets are two coffins. Real Coffins. im not joking. i can only postulate that the owner of this place is 1) a part-time undertaker 2) does not have enough rooms in his own private house to store up his coffin which he bought in advance 3) i cant think of any other ideas!

this place closes at 12, and i cant be more than thankful to know that i can at least walk home (45 mins i think but i wouldnt mind a leisure midnight stroll).

***

they're doing renovations soon so im gonna be kicked out and denied access and hence its all back to lorong ah soo all over again till after mid april. got lots of things to write about but shall concentrate on the research that i have to do online. the counter is ticking.

remind me to write about;
1) Hey Jude, Jian Dan Ai and being a Jay Chou convert (or at least my friends tried to)
2) trooping round Emerald Hill residential area and Little India with ser
3) my fav love for all things alliteration and classic one-liners

ok will let you in on something i heard online.

Men with pierced ears are better prepared for marriage -
they have already bought jewellery and have experienced pain.

something i heard on 98.7 fm

***

ONE-LINER OF THE DAY

The price of admission is your mind.

that house holds a fascination for me. i keep going back to it, building up civilisation from scratch, transposing my being upon that new-found sanctuary - that screen away from claustrophobia when it sets in outside. Untouched as yet by common dwellers (and i do hope they take their time) and looking down towards the intersection of Frankel Ave and Kembangan Rd as well as beyond the horizon, the specks of multiple high-storey houses against the East Coast horizon, i feel like a Queen of sorts - a Queen of the 14th storey, a Queen of the Untouched Eden.

as soon as my parents install the lights in my room, ill occasionally move in first - temporary tatami mats in place as substitute for beds, reading lamps to do work, clothes to stay clean in. what's missing - a working non-infected computer to rush those essays, a window screen/curtain to hide away from roving eyes, lights in the washroom to bathe anytime of the day, food glorious food. but other than that, living should be at its subsistent level, seeing that i dont need much to keep me happy and Queen-ly.

***

On Desperate Housewives

EPILOGUE

people are complicated - on one hand, able to perform great acts of charity and on the other, capable of the most underhanded acts of betrayal. it is a constant battle in us between the angels of our nature and the temptations of the greater darkness.

(somewhere along that line of thought, not quite word-for-word but true in its essence)

The Voice That Killed Us

i write poetry in my head to drown out your voice.
he seeks love outside the realm of your voice, denying your love in that silent rebellion of his.
she finds love in her mirror - in those two [premature] images of her, not yet fully broken by your voice yet not quite whole, or ever will be.

and all the time, whilst we do our little dance-acts around the storm that you casually [and ceaselessly] brew, in my heart of hearts, i finally willed your voice away - the silent tears that streamed down into my food muted that of yours, as you saw in my eyes how truly hurt i was with your mindlessness, your violent rages, your apparent selfishness and your inability to express your love the way we yearned it to be.

'Wind Symphony.Thursday, 10th March,7pm:
Finally, we've met up.

Dearest Shasha,
i've missed you a great deal. Do appear around more often alright? Ain't no need to test with the 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' theory eh? Hmm, would my digicam & taking self portraits entice you into hanging with me more often? And don't tempt me into having impulses to burn that church of yours down alright? You've got to have friends too besides that East Coast holy ground! Alright alright, i'm jealous.. i admit. Envious of everything alive that gets to see you when I don't! Hmph!

disclaimer: shasha is just a close friend who i miss when she's not around. I still ain't no PL, besides being an ex PL-lite from PLMGS.. That's the closest to being PL that i'll ever be? Ah, crapping again!

8-10pm: Wind Symphony at University Cultural Centre.We missed the 1st piece.. Realised that i do actually enjoy watching orchestras. The last pathetic time i attended something like that was in Sec 4, watching the PL Band in the school hall. Haha.. what a joke..I'm glad my dear shaslinder called me up for this :) Do get me when you wana catch something like that the next time alright? It ain't easy to get khakis with musical inclinations or simply a ear that appreciates such events. I for one, definitely do.. Hmm, i'm looking at my lonely piano. Perhaps, it's time to resurrect the pianist.. Tsk tsk.. Perhaps, perhaps.. '
- Jashhhh-min-duh

something great is happening in my life. mushy-ness seems to be the order of the day and guess what - i'm revelling in it, lovin' every moment of it. its a magical number, this number 21. guess its His way of telling me, see, i told you, the cave's not the place for you...

Cosmo-s VS Heart-L - War in the Eateries

i've been having heartlander-ish impulses of late. 6am on the bus and i see the nearest kopitiam-in-pasar-rolled-in-one thronged with people in varying PJ-like attire - shorts, singlets and what-not, and i am tempted to go join them and plant my butt down to whiff that lil bit of tau hwei or wantan mee or whatever it is that they have for breakfast and perhaps, be bold n make friends with the market-dwellers, like i used to when i was younger - pretty helpful, considering that i made sure they gave me the best price for eggs, vege, fruits. now we just flock to supermarkets. as we morph into cosmo-polites (in all sense of the word;newly-coined), human interaction becomes minimal. the gap between heartlanders and cosmopolitans widen - with the Cosmo-s privileging their acquired sense of taste, in more ways than one - 'oh, i only eat in/from Kenny Rogers/Lawry's/Coffeebean/Breadtalk/Bakery Depot' and blahbleahlehhhh

therefore, i have decided to take action - and to prove that i will stand in the gap and sustain that dying bond between the Heart-L and Cosmo-s, i will, in all capacity, try to;

1)have kopitiam food/NUS food/fast food(fast foods merge the gap b/w the two)/home-cooked food/food-court food only and refrain from high-culture food. ie: crystal jade, marmalade pantry, thai express, NYDC etc.

2)will refrain from (oh how my heart breaks!) Starbucks - coffee/mocha only from NUS' vending machines, kopitiam 70 cents coffee etc.

3) will not buy cakes from Prima Deli/Starbucks/CoffeeBean/Breadtalk - but will attempt to be the neighbourhood's confectionary shop's best customer - knowing that i won't be able to stay away from cakes/savoury bread.

all in all, my dear friends, do not tempt me with a dinner date in town, or, a bonding session in Starbucks - till end of mth.

A Questioning Entry; Answers Not Quite Required.

hoho. i was re-reading my prev entry n i meant in it essence and not in any particular order of friendship/relationship, that is, nothing personal that you can delineate from here. just, the essence. perhaps just a wishlist of mine for it to apply to every single soul close to my heart.

***
something light for the cerebrally-diarrhoea-d;

There was once a morose melonhead,
who sat there all day
and wished he were dead.

But you should be careful
about the things you wish
because the last thing he heard
was a deafening squish.

~ TIM BURTON'S THE MELANCHOLY DEATH OF OYSTER BOY AND OTHER STORIES

***

boy, i can't wait for the semester to end and start on my mini lil' projects. i did that last year during the 3 mth semester break and it was a time of personal growth more than any other spurts of my life.
21, and ready to take on the world.
21, and with much [latent] energy waiting for it to be channelled into something (ohoho, my fav word) - beautiful.
there is power in beauty.
in short, all that the French Revo has taught us, with its slogans of 'Freedom,Love,Beauty and Truth', very much akin to the running themes in Moulin Rouge, is still very much relevant in the aesthetics of modern society.

i just need to know how to posit and negotiate this idea into His world. or are these just seemingly what they would term 'worldly values' so to speak, and hence i have to re-orientate and re-align such thoughts and transform or even do away with such creeds?

one of my lecturers happened to say something quite pronounced in class.
Descartes once said 'I think, therefore I am.'
but she holds her fortress and rebukes him, saying that one questions everything first, then the process of thinking would follow suit.

then comes the question of obedience to God - is one allowed to question Him, for He gave us the power of logic and free will.
what exactly is obedience, in regards to My One and Only?
(ok time to check and runrunrunrunrun to my Book Of Light and Unending Wisdom)

i think education has muddled and messed up my mind.

strangely out of place, there's a light filling this room where none would follow before. i can't deny it burns me up inside. i fan the flames to melt away my pride. do i want shelter from the rain or the rain to wash me away?

i need You.

face to the ground to hide the fatal cut. i fight the weight - i feel you lift me up.

you are the shelter from the rain
and
the rain to wash me away.

~ Jars of Clay The Eleventh Hour, 'I Need You'.

***

choose to possess a tender heart.

when a heart morphs into one that is callous, a frozen one, a heart that bypasses all sentiments - afraid to feel, the vessel is primarily as good as dead. love hence cannot overflow from it.

i think i found the cerebral a far more comforting place to repose, and the emotions a complete bother. i think i threw myself into the quest for knowledge but He told me to face it up upfront and establish relationships which would necessitate me to love, love thy neighbour as thyself. i know i want something more than just this - something beautiful, something which would require me to acknowledge my true feelings instead of pretending or backing away, leaving others a taste of that happiness which i presume would be consumed in a far better manner than if i were to be in that picture.

***

i traced the shape of my heart - and found it wanting. could You help me fulfil the desires of my heart, for i cannot bear the lack imminent in it.

'But i can't help to make you feel any better.'

Your classic one-liner, a year ago. Exactly a year and one-and-a-half faces later (or at least for you) - it still remains a much-known classic, betwixt us.

Only difference is; this time, i won't be needing your help.

My Helper is in and of me, surpassing your [limited] mortal sympathies. don't be selfish - and let me move on, for i am a new creation, and the old has died.

***

i feel stomach-churningly nerve-wrenchingly sick. can't go cell today cos i have the NUS wind symphony (part of the rhythm n rhapsody range) concert and i miss hearing my band, the creation of that cacophony of distinctive sounds coming from various instruments - sax, trumpets, oboe, bassoon and so on. music to soothe the weary soul.

***

nothing warms your heart when, upon opening the locker you share with an 'old-is-gold' friend, an unexpected postcard comes into your view and with much anticipation (partly due to the fact that no one has been writing to you and you love the novel feeling of receiving letters, esp unexpected ones), you devour the words written on it - this, coming from one who finds it hard to 'finds it hard to coax mushy words from me [her]', gladdens me in a fuzzy whirlpool of sentiment. it makes me want to be bold and say that the human connection between two souls is worth it - that i would fight for some. and so, jen-fur the non-mushy-queen-but-i-think-it-was-a-lie-cos-she-wrote-something-mushy-to-shasha said;

hey sha, thought i'd drop you a postcard from our favorite coffee place in the world - Starbucks! i have not seen you in ages, and i miss you (i mean it here). Friends come and go, and for a while, i thought you were a 'Go'. But well..i can only say in the recent years got to know you a whole lot better, i am loving the new and improved shasha! cheers to our ever growing and everlasting friendship. It just gets better everytime.
love, jennifer.

it makes me want to redo my entire past all over again. it makes me want to say that im sorry, to every single one of you for all the times that i did my internal disappearing acts - both physically and soul-fully, that i wish i just made the extra effort, that i did not hurt any of you by my seeming aloofness and inability to allow you deeper into my soul, that i actually cared more than you know but just didnt know how to translate it to reality. and guess what?

it just gets better, every single time.

i had a terrible dream - it had all the essence of a film noir - haunting shadows, dark oppressive atmosphere, even moths to terrify me. the sense of the loss of control. conspiracy theories. the searing sense of abandonment. Rejection - and more. it was nightmarish precisely because all my mortal fears were manifesting itself in that one dream. but ive prayed over it and He gave me the assurance. perhaps, human nature is not so daunting afterall when you trust His heart, even if mortals hurt you out of their own fallible nature, the one glimpse of His (steadfast) love would erase such scars. He would fight for you.

what causes one to hurt the one they hold close to their heart? i know my weaknesses, i know what i am humanly capable of, and it is exactly that which reminds me that i have no right (nor true desire) to hurt God's creation. He died so He could end our suffering and give us a semblance of Hope. My weaknesses should not take away the love that is rightly due to those whom He died for.

***
On Moulin Rouge

i saw it four years ago. four years later, it still reigns in my heart as one of the most tragic romance, surpassing that of even Romeo and Juliet. i think the tragedy stems from the sense of the incompletion, of a love story prematurely ending in the most possible heartwrenching manner.

i don't like incompletion or premature endings. i like progress and growth, that ability to develop together and see each other through the test of time - maturing together. that shared experience.

'show him you don't love him. you are one of the greatest actresses around'
(or something like that - at the ending when satine had to hurt him in order to save him cos she was dying)

no you will not. in His precious name, you will not.
He loves you too much to let you go.

Rid-dles Riddled Randomly

the Riddles wEre kind To heR - for shE solved them fAr Too easily.

***

i'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there's a pair of us - don't tell!
They'd banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Emily Dickinson

***

random mathematical modelling

can there ever be a day where i actually stay at home without moving about? always on the go n its unnerving me! i better start taking care of my health, no more on-the-go food n start stocking up on vitamins. there's a lot of interesting activities going on this mth -
Singapore Fringe Fest, Music Mosaic, Campus Rhapsodies,Canadian Brass- and total movies galore!but im up to my neck this mth, and shasha has not felt this whirlwind of energy ever since crazy canoeing days. maybe its all the latent energy coming into play, transmorphing itself into kinetic energy (think 1/2 mv square).
ho, does tt mean my velocity comes from Him?

K.E= 1/2 X (sha's mass) X (velocity=my unseen driving force= God) square
= infinity, limitless, can go on and on. all -powerful.

yea man, what a comforting thought.

***
[i'd better put aside some money for the coming Arts Fest (May-June) n Film Fest(not sure when though) ]

***
i really hope i wont commit Adultery (think: Scarlet Letter; A)
heeee...spiritual adultery - now, what were you thinking eh? ;)

remember your days of yore, your First Love.