'People are so often and so disastrously wrong in doing; they (who by their very nature are impatient) fling themselves at each other when love takes hold of them, they scatter themselves just as they are, in all their messiness, disorder, bewilderment...

And what can happen then? what can life do with this heap of half broken things that they would like to call their happiness, and their future?

And so each of them loses himself for the sake of the other person, and loses the other. and loses the vast possibilities...in exchange for an unfruitful confusion, out of which nothing more can come; nothing but a bit of disgust, disappointment and poverty. '

Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke.

***

im looking forward to magical fairylights and god-sent angels.
to non-confusion.
to the Real Deals.
to heart-warming moments.
to pain that breaks which shapes.
to the stuff eternity is made up of.
to unexpected surprises.
to free-spiritedness.
to simple revelations.
to the various manifestations of Love.
to strength which uplifts and perseveres.
to sublime solitude which is kept separate from loneliness.
to perfect timings in all things.
to tears of awe and joy.
to being a blessing.
to the resistance and triumph over the Devil's playpen.
to non-farcical realities.
to better prose.
to the endurance of Hope.
to a sharper sense of discernment.
to a concretization of Operation Wanderlust.
to the rising of the Phoenix - that mythical bird consumed by its own fire, arising from its own ashes - multifarious Incarnates.
to the increasing aesthetics of artistic creation.
to new levels of consiousness.
to the protection and the guarding of _ .
to still-better-prose with a non-desire for self-censorship, just to write, to write.
to the freedom to paint and construct one's own authentic reality as one deems it to be.
to an open heaven on earth, to feel You in my heart - leave me not alone. Be With Me.

holidays are coming to an end, but it significantly propels me into my last semester of sch of which i am determined to devour and actually Go and enjoy it (since honestly there is not much motivation to Improve the grades, seeing the difficulty of it, so im going with the whole Qualitative Train-of-Thought-with-regards-to-academia) . taking 6 modules next sem, heavyweightstuff go jia-you! taking (tentatively, still in midst of bidding)

1) South-asia Studies 1101E (South Asian Studies)
2) Sociology of Deviance (Sociology)
3) Social Psychology (Sociology)
4) Shakespeare (Literature)
5) 18thC Literature (Literature)
6) Singapore Eng-Lang Literature (Literature)

any partners-in-crime [module-mates] out there?

***

holidays have always taken on new, multiple meanings ever since 2003. somehow or rather, my real all-rounded education always start with the end of each semester in uni, so its been [4 ]blocks of holiday periods of which i can distinctively remember Growing into a Person - each holiday period bringing to mind vastly different set of challenges and direction, albeit a common similarity - all tainted with the need of the letting go of various individuals and of Rebirth and Renewal. someone once remarked to me; 'so aren't you seriously jaded? and all i can say is that i am honestly not.

it is a tiresome affair - this loss of much-loved individuals for i value heart-to-hearts and add that to my further oft-melancholic-nostalgic self but nothing beats the multiple Rays of Hope - manifested itself not just in the semblances of the Future but also in the simplicity of Life itself - in the pulse and beat of the mundane, in beauty, in love, in plays and trigger-happy-ing, in detoxifying, in fruits + vegetables and Willy Wonka movie. oh, in walking in the rain just when it starts pouring when you're blading/running on your way to east coast. that happened to jas and me today - thanks love for your sweet presence, monologue-ing your one-woman play, morphing into Ms Grumps and letting the Rhino out. sharks, i wouldnt have enjoyed this dec without you.

and new photos are up - look under the folder *Dec 05* - some are past holiday photos which never got a chance to Doppelganger-themselves (pix uploaded only recently), of which some would know what i mean when i say that each holiday presents itself differently.

one thing i'mpretty sure - no Past would repeat itself in the Future. (unless Mr-Meadow-Maker wills it to be but i seriously hope not)

i love having heart-to-hearts. a Spontaneous Serendipitous Moment with eleine today whilse waiting for PeaceBaby to commence. sometimes, id like to go straight to the heart, piercing the bulls-eye of Issues, wheezing past social niceties and tact, which can often get complicated with the Gender issue if one's of the opposite sex but if your fine with that (hello fir-ry!) and do not look for more signifying gestures leading yet to other cogent, external meaning (how very po-mo. meaning always deferred), then good for you and me. i don't shock one with issues just for the sake of that Shock Factor, especially not meaning to be rude or obnoxious. curiosity may have killed the cat but not me. e. has this way of being randomly straighforward no-holds-barred i-want-to-ask-means-im-gonna-ask and i appreciate such honesty and trust.

***

called jen today. i miss you, you silly billies and the rest of you clan you guys we're gonna make our last sem in school a memorable one ok so here's to more runs + good food + chat sessions, now that there is no one here to steal me away not like i was really ever away but that just means no more tag-alongs when we just need our girlie moments and that means no more seeing those signature lined boxer shorts which is really fine with me cos then you wont say that i have to be kicked out of this clan cos i dress down awfully in order to suit someone. in short, ill see you on Christmas. Merry Christmas with much FaithHopeLove. oh, and to the ones in India and Bristol too - my other Heart-to-Hearts. and to my culture-vulture monologue-r.

***

'is it okay to kill strangers to prop up a way of life just because the people who live it are the people you love?' ~ Diary, Chuck Palahniuk

a different new perspective on u/s.

strangers = me.
way of life = your past + you.

trancendental epiphany about you whilst talking to e. such arrogance and narcissism- you - though in my heart, a sort of strange pity coupled with much pain for [felt for] you, (that much is true cos i dont want anything to be a farce), knowing that you really didnt mean to harm me in such a way, acknowledging you for that heart which you possess. i might say - a complete nightmare, though short it was and thank goodness for that. i wont ever do that to anyone (and once again im glad you dont know the existence of this blog), having been forced to give birth to a heart that fully recognizes that one's source of healing can only come from Mr-Meadow-Maker. forgiven you i have, Spite please pass me by and i know you not. letting go came easy and i now i know why it is as such -

so that i can see Hope, elusive as it is - but just enough to catch a glimmer of its piercing and glorious brightness. in the hope of better things to come, of better gifts to be bestowed upon, whatever it might be.

Peace Baby Musical/Play by Calvary Assembly - come come people!

Venue: Outside Taka
Timings: 7,8 and 915 pm
Date: 22 + 23 (thurs + fri left)

i am tired. just tired. i want to crawl into a cave. tiredness and dullness is infectious. people are afraid of it. they cannot deal with the personal downs of another. private pain is a public shame.

***

the language i speak now is that of the silent culture of the eyeball. i eyeball see-see look-look you. in this culture of eyeballing, this gestural language, you might perchance wonder if im speaking thru to you - the offer of a solemn friendship, the sweet promise of one's presence. what you don't understand, you can make mean anything. when words run out in this culture of tiredness and fatigue, i plead temporary insanity and a less-but-a-certainly-temporal fatigue.

one's silence does not kill. my silence is a language in itself. the eyeball acculturates itself to this culture of the Wordless Language when verbal communication becomes Bermuda-Triangulated in the aftermath of FlameDeluge. purification period can be pretty demanding on one's energy level.

i need rest in those pastures of Yours.

you with that sing-song voice, calling me yaya as i come home, tugging at my heartstrings - a dull aching in my heart - knowing that it is never too late to renew a love which is only reserved for siblings, a love gone cold by our fragmented ways in this place.

you with your funny ang moh pseudo blonde hair, looking more mat with the passing of each day, you with your piercings all over - you, whom the narrow-minded typecast as the wayward, the misguided, the one-gone-wrong and me, laughing at their [mis]judgements and knowing inwardly that you possess that heart made of gold, that tender heart - only to be bled dry by their blindness to your person.

you - whom i would protect always, for whom i would not let harm befall upon.

you with that heart, in a world that knows not hearts.

***

that ring with the two separate pathways, converging into one unifying totality.

been a-flying...wheeee!holidays make me really exhausted - the Butterfly comes out to Play.

sometimes my stoic presence might seem like a non-presence and my silence - a convenient yardstick for others to accrue notions of tiredness, shyness, distractedness, mind/socialrelational-draught. but nope, i take it all in, to try to discern your presences in my mind, to observe your silly/quirky/mundane habits + idiosyncracies. i find it awfully funny albeit pretty disturbing when someone says tt 'i havent seen you for a long time' - but i have. i have seen you, felt your presence in my mind. i try not to dismiss you. sometimes i keep quiet in order to get a sense of you, especially when observing group dynamics. i may take it all in - but i will give back, one day, when there is such an opportunity. Spontaneous Serendipity.

it feels like springtime now, the birds and the bees are a-humming. life, life, life.

what did the blogger war do to you? it was so painful reading it - how you must have felt at that time as well as the consequences of it reverberating months from then.

don't cry. wipe the tears from your eyes - fear/anger/hate/violence is a monster. no end in sight. silent screamings in your head. maybe its good that you dont know that this blog exists.

please let FaithHopeLove reign, dear God.

as marla and i were trudging arnd lil' india last night, trying to find The French Stall (which,to my great dismay,is closed for reno i think.sobs), the police cordoned off the area and we saw this black plastic covering over what i would presume to be a corpse. marla and i walked away in a state of indifference - perhaps a necessary gesture so as to keep our fear of death/violence/disaster at bay. walk on by.

am falling in love with indian sweets n i finally got my treasure for the night - the herbal spices for masala milk. i asked marla if sharing the good news/gem would be a good idea during christmas - to give out my masala spice tea/milk blend as xmas prezzies. she thought me weird. oh well, i will then stick to Conventional presents.

***

have been running on empty for the past few weeks till today (slept till 11plus.wow) and guess whilst on the way to meeting marla at night, the fatigue came crashing upon me at city hall mrt. i experienced the most surreal sensation, an out-of-body experience - saw a few backpackers on the go at the mrt station and i felt myself being displaced - to the airport, felt as if i was the one waiting to go somewhere, to travel off somewhere - me and my backpack, notebook, books, camera. Operation Wanderlust was founded on the citadel of Imagination (since ive no monetary means, a poor struggling student).

***

ive hardly any sense of you anymore. Memory just died a stoic death, with a few tears being shed as a departing gesture and im not sure why it is as such.

yet another late night, and i crawl back to bed without taking off my makeup for the umpteenth time.yucks,where's your hygiene girl?another unprecedented day, trawled Arab/Bussorah St only to plop ourselves (jas+i) at Oasisblue - this cafe which played french songs + old-school ambience + international hubstop - imagine having serendipitious (ha!) conversations with strangers from all over the world, culture-vulturing.very tourist-specific locale - reminds me of the days in china. china has a place in my heart. it is the Paris of Asia.

later at night, jas' friends jims+b+don joined us. habituated fast, a scene which im not totally unfamiliar with i guess. helps that i wore my cap though. cold, cold rainy nights + doesnt help tt i was near tanjong pagar/chinatown + gut-wrenching physical sensations stabbing thru me. but supper was awesome - dim sum at geylang. they were sweet enough to really tend to me, felt real princess-y, everything catered for.

havent been sleeping very much, been on the go and running on empty. camp is coming soon, maybe tt will slow down the pace and i can foresee myself choosing to stay home/remain solitary for the last two remaining weeks of the holidays.

the Doing might be deemed good for now, but really, what gives your life meaning? i want to remain satisfied in Being. i don't want the Butterfly to be resurrected at this point, confusing the myriad of social relations with an attempt to deceive myself that im not hurting. i want to embrace it, stare at it in the eye and not run away and at the same time, not letting it morph into a Pity-Party. i dont want to do stupid, meaningless things just to transcend it at all cost. i want to know the Truth that shapes my life and not let anything be a farce.

its been barely a day since liberation released the flyfreebird, but, its been an unprecedented 24hrs i must say. if you seize Life with an intensity, instead of moping around and allowingthe hours to pass -waiting, waiting, ever waiting to achieve that nirvanic nothingness (wrong dogma, i know.hee.guard the mind now) - then uncharted territories/countries within yourself would cease to be discovered, horizons would never be breached, that stranger within yourself would never be acquainted with - hatred is not an option and neither is boredom or denial. a prosaic life is tantamount to cheating yourself.

it was a first for me and firs out, haha. here's to a serendipitious life ahead and more bumps into you.
'we had a serendipitous (shasha's word of the year 2005) moment today. i realise each time we spend time together, it's always never planned. but i kinda like the spontaneity of it all. perhaps that's what make things between us unique. not knowing when next, we'll have our heart baring (wrenching) sessions. it's like watching dvd at home you know. it's comfortable and you can pause whenever you want to and continue watching when you feel like it and still be able to follow the story. i think that's a bad analogy in both sense of 'bad'.. feel loads better soon babe!' - Fir-ry's blog <http://www.fireeks.net/>

and we ate at Carl's Jr burger joint (how Americanised is tt)(but,not in a booth) at Marina Sq - which is also a first for us. Highly expensive, if u count 8 bucks for a single burger - n more importantly, even more highly overrated. we nerd-it-on in esplanade lib, both renewing our premium membership - and i borrowed 2 dvds (Together by Chen Kaige, Look Back in Anger based on dramatist John Osborne) + books. fir awed me when he mentioned tt bout a few yrs ago, he stopped renewing the premium svc cos he had almost gone thru all of the media items!

i discovered my mean streak later on at night when i hung out with marla and her friend tim, who is a year younger. i think i said 'why dont you go play with girls your age' when he and steph got a bit too comfortable with each other, making it rather awkward for me - pawing each other all over.Whateva man. i guess its just a culmination of the latent anger in me, just pushing it, just to see how far i can go. and its not even personal - this younger-guy issue cos its basically a non-issue for me. so tim was just at the wrong place, wrong time and definitely, the wrong person. goodness, i hope i dont do a meanie on anyone else. was great seeing marla again, sometimes i dont realize how much i miss her till she comes back. its always very comfortable getting it back with her. dubai, dubai, here we come - *crosses fingers.

puked loads this morn, head pounding all over,been detoxifying myself only to have it be filled up again with more junk from Macs and Ichiban Boshi with ra, ser, jen and zhen. they're my personal angels.us with our common idiosyncracies - taxi-obsession (of which im glad im not part of. the law of opportunity costs states tt i will continue to rely on buses so as to receive a higher concentration of pleasure from other commodities. the twisted world of capitalism), notebook-fetishes with all the strange writings/imaginings, book-buying and exhanging, our current signature of What-Ever-Man with the finger-twisting signs.

tom, its culture-vulture day with jas - maybe we might do haji lane. or lil india - and we'll be trigger-happy. i miss my masala milk. will avoid chinatown for now for anticipatory reasons, ones which are fully valid.

there is a Method to this Madness - and i will gladly choose The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind as its greatest signifier and liberator. the reasons given to me somehow seems disturbingly too surreal now, after some time and distance, for it to be an act of self-sacrifice on your part. i see it as absurdly stupid, stupid and stupid. what's in my heart does not correspond to the space between, for this lack of logical progression is akin to the act of suicide - the stealing away of what's meant to be and what's already in existence. akin to a helpless pawn - dominated entirely by your decisions and desires, superseding or even disregarding mine. you're the primary actor in this tragi-comedy meant for two.

the space between Wanting and Being
is known as Desire.