will stop being an emo-wreck. if reality dislikes me and my guts, that doesnt mean i have to thrash reality around and parade it upon my chest like an injured badge of honour. no sirree', no thank you not me - afterall, my dear reality, would you be confounded to know that you are cognitively-constructed, that you happen to be afflicted with the forces of subjectivity? that what is being physically-perceived is but one aspect of you [reality], and if one finds a way to transcend and see beyond that which is a normative Real-ness - you lose, i win.

***
a template for me, just in case i forget. wish i could carry my lappietop w me everywhere, my trusty notebooks are such a hassle now in view of the morphing, evolutionising technophobe-turned-techno-literati! but oh yes, i still don't quite engage with msn, no friend you. but blogspot, i friend many much.

TENTATIVE PLANS FOR DEC YIPPIE! HOLS '05

• LOCAL AUTHORS

- Alfian Saat, Cyril Wong

• INTERNATIONAL AUTHORS

- C.S Lewis, Chuck Palahniuk, Paulo Coelho [now currently on Milan Kundera's Identity]

• MY MEADOW-MAKER

- Oswald Chambers, Mary K.Baxter **rem to pack these for camp

• BLOG-STOPS [Theatre, Lit]

- qlrs.com, the2ndrule.com , inkpot.com

- [read reviews on past theatre performances and maybe get scripts?/commentaries] [verbal verbiage vomit by others mean fodder for your own creativity at 2ndrule.com] [which means you might want to start submitting smtg]

• FOOD-GALA-LORE

- [The French Stall] - 3-6 and 6-10pm, tues close, and belatedly but nevertheless, im jumping on the bandwagon to [Arab St]. wooo whee. p/s: Cafe Samar's food aint tt great, but ambience made me+ser+jen kinda trigger-happy and nostalgic i dunno why. tara, you're badly wanted. sob. will be thrashing out cafe haunts round spore on my own with my trusty backpack+books+umbrella+waterbottle and it'll be flyfreebird to the rescue - this is for emo-wreck vis-a-vis yours truly - m.e.

• FILM

- **update lib membership to premium so can borrow dvds - musicals + what-not! at esplanade

• MUSIC-OLOGY

- Junior College Band Fest [12 Dec, Esplanade] - **rem to get tix soon at sistic counters

• POLITICS

- skip past all and go straight to ST Commentaries, but not before devouring Life! [how i miss our daily ritual of newspaper-reading, me starting with Life! and you, with the front page and then exchanging it with much politeness, because you demanded that knowledge has to have its share of gravity and due respect]

• CORPOREAL-WELLNESS

- night runs, **indonesian lymphatic-drainage massages [check out oppo house, the new one or at siglap]

and, not forgetting PEACE BABY! Calvary's Christmas Production at outside Takashimaya on 21-23 Dec from 7-10pm - you gals better be coming aye. ill be abused and thrashed about onstage so dont miss that. kiddin. well, ill just be glad to see your presence, really ;)

will be gone for My-Meadow-Maker's (relegated to using code-words here so be smart) Camp from 5-10 Dec.

the hint of the whirlwind of activities leaves me excited. biding my hour till wed - now is tues 2am. one and a half days more. im not worried bout the exams, never been one to gung-ho bout them (unluckily enuf) - just worried about two-things else.

another mother's breaking
heart is taking over,
when the violence causes silence
we must be mistaken,
its the same old theme since 1916
in your head, in your head
they're still fighting,
with their tanks and their bombs
and their bombs and their guns

they are dying.

- Cranberries, 'Zombie'


the anger is starting to Seethe.

the last paper on wed is a real drag in my heart. i have been up, when im done revising for that paper (which takes up only 3 hrs max a day.ha), planning my holidays and coming up with phantom projects of my own. it is definitely God's grace that dec is in view, for i would not know how to transcend all this should it still be in the midst of sch term.

for now, i am biding my time till wed, biding the hours, waking up, deciding on breakfast, seeking out places to revise my soci paper, bringing along an extra read as a bonus/pat-pat ur doing good sha with your revision, keeping God close to me, going home in the evening, running to east coast at night just to see how far my legs can take me, strolling home along the canal, turning in with tears in my eyes but with a peace that surpasses any semblance of my understanding. the ocean was majestic yesterday, the vastness overwhelming and consuming - and knowing that i keep this in my heart - only faith, hope and love.

So here I am again
Willing to be opened up and broken
Like a flower in the rain
Tell me what have I to do
To die and then be raised
To reach beyond the pain
Like a flower in the rain
- Jaci Valesquez, 'Flower in the Rain'.

i wish i could wax lyrical about how it is truly like for me at this stage of my life, and you could call it catharsis, or even the framing of memory, like how it was in my previous blog. but this medium is becoming increasingly public, and there are some things in one's heart which is irredeemably private that it transgresses one's senses to air dirty (and even if it is not) linen in public.

and also because Pain, like Loneliness and Sadness, is one of life's most private languages.

***

and in the falling away of all things, only One will ever stay.

haha my dearest WY..battling wanderlust is futile. i also want...to...gai gai...fly here there everywhere. actually not quite fly la, walk also can. crickety ole buses also can, cos i like.very Old School.

wed, wed, and its all over. then i will make my own plans (haha not telling) then i will go here there roam here there (limited to good ole spore cos money no enuf) - read, smell the breeze, walk in complete anonymity, talk to strangers, heart-sharing with friends, marvel at the small wonders in life, resume evening walks/runs, indulge in serendipitous oh-hi's and how-have-you-been's and maybe-we-should-catch-up and Really Catch Up- do meadows still exist?. maybe i might wanna travel up to kl or somewhere myself, ill see first bout that. the flesh is willing, the spirit even more.

its the good ole holidays and i like that idea many many.

won't fly into cages no more.

miraculously, You never fail to make me brand new. im a New Creation. daily newness and wholeness. don't make it a false alarm - Be With Me.

***

will be giving the mobile a rest for now. so dont sms/call me aye. will resurface when strengthened. don't worry, im in good hands - or, the best, ever.

'It is Vic's impression that English wildlife is getting streetwise, moving from the country into the city where the living is easier - where there are no traps, pesticides, hunters and sportsmen, but plenty of well-stocked garbage bins, and housewives like Marjorie, softhearted or softheaded enough to throw their scraps into the garden, creating animal soup-kitchens. Nature is joining the human race and going on the dole'.

Nice Work, David Lodge

it is a very sick feeling i sleep and wake up with. i hope its all a dream.