today is a goodie day. i bought my official 1st MP3 player (the old one lasted for a mth before going k-a-poot) and yay yay no more noisy lonely bus rides to school n everywhere else. i really do Live on buses - the amt of time i spend on that vehicle is outrageous. at least now i can download hillsong-ish and planetshaker-ish (code words code words, h-o-m-e alert) songs.

i know His hand is on my life - cos slow-poke is not that slow anymore and the emotional n the cerebral agree with each other and like lydia, i say 'rebuke the demons!' .

Galatians 6:9 says that we should not be weary in doing good. and it is 'better to give than to receive'. i stand on that, i will not count losses nor gains.

***

On a Conversation in the School Lift on the way to class

Girl A and Boy A happens to be in the lift with me. As the door closes, they happen to see a friend (specifically Boy A's friend- who happens to be a girl)

Girl: eh, your friend' s very pretty you know.
Boy: [shifting his glance, looking uncomfortable,trying to dismiss the subject] ...erhh...ya...
Girl: then why didnt you go for her? she's not bad-looking what, very pretty somemore!
Boy: [perhaps encouraged by her seemingly enthusiastic reception of his friend] ...eh, ya, now then i realize..how come i didnt go for her? i know she's not that bad. very pretty also.

at this point, i think i felt an icy silence rebounding off the walls of the lift. the alarm started ringing - not that of the lift's but the one in my head - Hell hath no fury like a Woman scorned (pardon the hell-ish expression). and yes, she glared at him. at this point, i knew they were more than just friends but not in a relationship,yet.

Girl: yah, so why you never go for her? you know her before me what, longer somemore.

at this point, when a woman asks a question twice over, trouble's brewin'.

Boy: [trying level best to salvage situation]... i know...but i don't go after so many at once.

at this point of time, he's trying to placate her and im trying to steer away from them. it's amusing, yet painful at the same time. such foolishness, such greed. i hope ill never be in her situation nor come across people who treat women like desserts to be tried and tasted [tested].

everything is just moving so fast. everyone is just moving too fast.
they forget, they forget everything.

but i don't.

The Persistence of Memory.
La Persistance de la Memoire.

Dear God, please minister to the slow-poke [me].

***
sometimes we can be so blind. the people who care for us - we shove them aside, causing them to hurt in return. our blindness leads to deafness, and we can't even hear their pleas - their love-cries. we build walls. we fortify our own island. but there has to be a better way out. He said Love was All. How do we go about crashing the very walls that seemingly protect us?our skewed notions of self-preservation. sometimes we have to let go of that very mode and go forth in faith. the imperfect being in us stumbles, but our Perfector lives in and through us, so let go, let go.

***

As i was walking up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there
He wasn't there again today
I wish, I wish , he'd go away.
~ Hugh Mearns

***

today was total snack-a-roo day. i felt like a 5 yr-old, walking down orchard road with Old Chang-Kee nuggets on one hand and balancing a yummy candy floss on the other. i think im regressing, age-wise, and food-wise.

two days ago, four 21 year-olds babbled on n on about Spongebob and his playmates (squidward!patrick!geeeee) whilst filming for their project in Plaza Sing. they even played Monkey with the balloons meant for the project at a quiet quiet corner flung faraway in PS, keeping a constant lookout for the security guard, who in the end did manage to catch us but then we flashed our smilies to him and said our sorries.

i think it was D-enial with a big D.
21, and refusing to acknowledge that linear milestone which marks our [official/legal] transition to an adult.
either that, or perhaps we really did in fact grow far too fast in the past, and discovering only recently our emotional virginity in Him - and grateful for it.

the Translation of Love

i am sad. no one wants to buy the 'charity trip' t-shirt. :(
il blog for a while cos im procrastinating the fear of writing the [daunting] 6-pg Lit essay due on thurs. scaredy-cat.

***

There is a certain lull that resonate in the hearts of solitary wanderers. With every rise and ebb of the sea waves, the imminent crash of the water hitting the shores of East Coast mirror the state of their own hearts - hearts that crash along together with the waves.

In, out. In, out. In, out.

Couples tracing names of the other across the sand, in an attempt to immortalize their love affair - only for it to be washed away the very next day. The irony of it all does not undeter such foolish acts, for what is Love but the exclusion of Logic, they reason.

The Heart has its reasons which Reason knows nothing of, they claim.

The beach as the playground for Love, and the two in love claim it as their own. Our beach, they acknowledge, their smiles indicating a mutuality of agreement. The solitary wanderer finds it hard to understand. She is puzzled, and in her bewilderment realizes that she has not made any memories on the beach. Unlike them, there was never a 'we' claim to the beach - no shared activities, no moonlight sonatas, nor dewy-breathed mornings holding the hands of the other. In her mind, that place has always been hers alone.

***

Bite-sized Morsels of 'Desperate Housewives'

The stories that are the most interesting ones are the ones that you never tell

***

But the most troubling of all are the ones standing outside looking in;
the ones who we truly never get to know.

ive been really blessed by various people - my undue and untimely cravings for all things chocolate has to be hindered by my lack of funds and coincidentally this past week, i've gotten a whole box of pineapple tarts, several mish mash of chocolate wafers/biscuits, CNY goodies, Coffee Bean choc muffin n Cadbury Caramello+Kit Kats, courtesy of Div's parents, Shiv, Div herself, my colleague and aunt, respectively in that order. i will not have to go hungry for at least one week, till pocket money comes in end of mth. yay!hee...happiness comes when you least expect it (and..erh..ill admit i did pray for favour [and flavour] food-wise).

im awfully exhausted, physically. but it'll be alrightie, cos Someone (guess who, guess who!) will carry me thru. and make me flyyyyyyyyyyy, on eagle's wings..wheeeee...now i wanna fly to bed. at 9pm. yes, i think ill do that. nightie night.

and as everything else goes thru Him, so will my past, present and future be made in Him - in everything, seek Him, seek Him.

oh ya, before i forget, i'd be going on a volunteer trip in June to Yunnan, China and we would be teaching Engrish and building lib+ kitchens and we need funds so they've decided to print really cool t-shirts at $ 10 (only!) in various sizes (xs,s,m,l,xl) as part of this attempt. plsplsplspls help to contribute in this effort (cos its an ethnic minority gp as well, a hilltribe-ish area) and tag my blog board if u could just part with $10! and get a uber super duper fantastical cool t-shirt in return! (leave name n size + quantities required). ill get back to u personally, maybe collect money next time i see ya. thanks!heee....

a sort of poetry in Motion

i tried my best. its time now for Him to take over the rest.

and i hope a lil' beautiful flower springs forth in Meadow-Land, carrying along in all its loveliness a smile upon those who chance upon it.


today on the way to p+p from the airport,i had a pretty interesting experience. there was a lady, obviously a backpacker and she asked for directions on bus 36 to YMCA. we started chatting and this much i extracted from her - she was 33, alone, with 6 weeks to kill, transiting in Spore for 3 days before going off to aus and from Munich, Germany. she made me realized how much of a 'culture vulture' i yearn to be, to be a real flyfreebird - to travel. the itch to go places, experience people, that 'wanderlust', so to speak - to go to Germany, for Goethe and their tradition of great thinkers,to experience east AND west Berlin (now tt i've seen Goodbye Lenin) and its cultural and historical significance. To go to India, for the real deal on golab jamun and their varying co-existing cultures, to visit their Bangalore, Calcutta,Bombay,Delhi. To Dubai, for the simple fact that a woman and her family from pakistan i met on eve of CNY at chinatown whilst sitting at the sidewalk inspired me with awe at the grandeur of tt place, such profound elegance and exoticism. To UK, for Covent Garden and other theatres, for its rich literary history and to hear the Brits drone on and on and still want more.To Cebu, for the smiles upon the childrens face, such strength in the simplicity of that picture, inspired by those who went there last year. To New York, cos thus saith Frank Sinatra - 'these vagabond shoes, are longing to stray,right thru the very heart of it,New York New York, i want to wake up in a city that never sleeps' and he was a great legend and legends cant be wrong.To Paris, for its cafes and to be able to walk on its sidewalk at night, for the romance of that exudes out of it, for its films and books and language and food.

ok, thats that and flyfreebird has landed. the imagination is a powerful weapon for those who dont own money trees at home. hee. as for now, Yunnan, China , here i come.

love songs

i want to sing love songs unto You -

for You are the Real Deal.
for filling me up completely when solitude turns into loneliness.
for understanding the gravity of it all when others flippantly dismiss situations.
for Your soothing embrace.
for capturing my heart, time and time again.
for strength, when i crawl and refuse to get up.

Man will not dictate, nor make light of situations. None would flippantly suggest solutions, themselves being foreign to such circumstances. None would rush timings, none would coerce me into following rigidly prescribed forms/paths. You would provide doors, doors big enough for me to go through unscarred and unharmed. We would walk, hand in hand, step by step - all the way.
.

21

you're 21, and for the longest time ever, your mom hugs you tight like she'll never let you go, the absence of hugs throughout all these years culminating in that very one and suddenly, you're her lil' princess of 9 again.

you're 21, and a bomb hits upon you and you realize why she brought you up this way to be that self-sufficient and independent soul you've grown to become, and in your very heart of hearts you make promises to yourself to always protect her, to never leave her nor hurt her, to be that bright future she's always envisioned you to be, but you never could quite mutter it out tangibly because this bird has flown away and all you can do is to pray that the disappointment that accompany it would not kill.

you're 21, with a heart of 9 that learns its very first notions of self-sacrificial familial love, and the burdens of a 41.

thank You

i think simplicity shall be the rule of thumb in this blog.
thanksgiving, as its driving motivation.
the words i bear forth (or in this case, write forth) have the power to either affirm my existence in Him or create genuine confusion. i choose the former.
i choose to see the water in the glass as being half- filled. i choose Life, i choose perfection, i choose simplicity. i deny all the strangleholds of my desire for oblivion and thoughts of cutting off from the world, or plunge into so inward an isolation as to deny Him that vessel upon which His Perfect Will/Plan can be carried out.

i am a Genuine Princess, for i am the Daughter of THE KING. i felt so cradled in his arms today.

today, i prayed for strength.

today, in the midst of not understanding certain situations happening in my life, i thanked Him.

for i am alive, and able to live.
for allowing the term 'Breakfast' to manifest itself into the human destiny. (which reminds me that i will hv to go try certain breakfast places - Provence, at Holland V. )
for allowing me to be an official Eastie and have Siglap right at my doorstep.
for 24 hrs Macdonalds at East Coast on Fri and Sat. and money to get roller blades (in april hopefully)
for 24 hrs Starbucks/BurgerKing/Macs at the airport so i can have my mini stayovers there.
for Dostoyevsky, Balzac, Emerson,Dickinson, Coelho to confuse, propel my thoughts forward, and that certain glimpse into human consciousness.
for the various Cultures that exist (incl. the ones in Yakult.hee) - esp french culture - the films, the books, the authors, the food.

for You, the only one who loves me wholeheartedly despite myself. despite my nonsense. despite cutting-n-running away. despite being blind to Your blessings at times. despite not wanting to talk to You when im angry. despite fighting it out with you all the way. despite my disobedient and questioning nature.

for i know that you would never harm nor hurt me. for You love me with an intensity that would last a lifetime and a half and that this heart of mine would in turn try to love you back, as much as it is humanly possible.

yiipeey-do!

booOoo!!shivs created this blog for me. im pretty unsure as in what do write or muse upon in this blog cos having a public blog, proclaiming to all all that makes up shasha, is a pretty daunting affair and i feel pretty vulnerable. but, i will try, in an attempt to swim out of that shell out to the shores of the Real World. swell. right shasha.

one entity does not equate to not having different layers of the self.

im over at shivie's place, just had a virgin-attempt in cooking pasta (tomato-based) with sausages. yes yes i am a closet cook. a good bonding session, complete with chocolates(whichis NOT a rarity in her house.which reminds me, i wll, be the chocolate mascot for all chocolate manufacterers in my ideal house when i have one of my own. which also reminds me that my husband and i would have to watch that weight of ours.which reminds me too that we'll also have to live near the beach, pref east coast, so we can run/jog/blade/cycle/swim. which reminds me also that hey,, i might not get married too, but im pretty fine with that too and ill do all that alone)

simplicity is the way to go when you dont want to miss out on life's simple pleasures.

right now, i want the evening sun on my face, the sea breeze to gently whsiper to me, and God to speak to me. ok, i need a time-out now, gonna speak to Him, kinda miss Him.