A montage plays in my mind's eye as i listen to Tanto Tiempo by Axel Krygier. The world beckons to me in all its fragmented ways, realities and lives. I play the the lizard's repose - the chameleon blending in the background, watching everything about me whirl about in its complex, chaotic interplay.The only way to save my own skin without getting caught up with yet I didnt know how. It's been a difficult three months. My coping methods baffle many, especially those closest to me. Communal grieving processes frighten me so. I am not comfortable wearing Emotion close to my skin.

The only way to cope, growing up, was to pretend Nothing Bad exists. The room becomes one's sanctuary. The shoutings, the cussing, her helplessness, his loneliness - we grew up showing the world it was fine and dandy, no emotional lashing could touch us. And only then did it become reality for us - we seeked the creation of an alternate reality in the midst of the hovering Big Bang.

In my own solitary moments i let out - the pain, estrangement, loss, seething anger, shame. Many were afraid to leave me alone - they project their easy fears of me sinking into depression, estimating their own 'normal' reactions to situations such as mine. Some chided me for being alone, suspicious that i cried myself to death. Crowd me and I play the part of the rising phoenix that rises from its ashes. I've burnt myself, time and time again, as well as many around me. People making decisions for me, pressurizing me by projecting the direction of my life from that incident on.

The Rebirth. Judgement came upon me as I withdrew. I started to suspect that there must indeed be a method to this madness. Suspecting that people followed the ethos that there is a method to God. Is there and should there be one? Must I be someone holy, make something of myself before i am allowed that open line to God? Do the confused, heartbroken and mortal who knows the only way to cope is to be left alone and who doesnt want humans to deal and proffer advice in proxy, in askance for the only one who will be able to address these inner issues, be denied and deemed unworthy of God? In being mortal, and in being utterly scared - the refrain of Freedom in Him and Let the Joy of the Lord be your Strength sounds empty. I am veryveryvery mortal-ed. I find myself reassessing the meaning of such statements, letting them be My Reality. Wondering again in light of everything what That means.

Practical issues strike me first nowadays. I am not as carefree as i used to be. Worrywort fart becomes me. 'Give it all to God' -- okay. But how to give it all when i get the suspicion that there is a method to Him?

I want to rebond my hair. I want a camera. But i havent even washed my bedsheets to settle down in. I have clothes strewn all over. I havent even bought my duvet cover.I have moved out, in, out, in, out and now in again, finally. The Return To Normalcy. All in 3 fine months. Deal with that, and I am left physically tired and emotionally drained. But the tides' gone, and I am settling in. I love the new place despite a ngiau flatmate. My dream place actually, across the beach and opposite the library. When i viewed this place, she said ' I hope you have peace once you're here' and she actually told me, after i finally revealed to her my situation, that she wanted to let me go because Malay = Muslim but something prompted her into feeling that this house was a refuge for me. The wonderful thing was, after viewing her place that time, for once there was a peace in my heart and i accepted it straightaway. In such instances, God reveals Himself i am so thankful for even tho i am mere mortal. I was getting very very down because I have viewed likek close to 10-12 places and having to juggle work, people and the turmoil shit.

Work has been a stabilising factor - the comfort of a routine, pretending the lives people lead are normal and basking in that normalcy. The Math titles are driving me crazy but the cycle's coming to an end and i think they're gonna heap upon me the science and humanities titles, which i am glad for. I enjoy this job a lot :)

She's been in hospital for a faint and i cant even see her. The calls to the workplace have ceased. Last i heard, he has aggressive depression. I think the _ has a gf now and i am glad for that companionship that he seeks cos she seems like a nice girl. I dont' talk much about j. but i can't help but think that this boy is a delight at the end of the day, even tho' ive initiated countless breakups with him. we have gone thru so much shit sometimes we dont even know where to start dissecting but im hoping this phoenix doesn't continue to burn any longer.

Christmas. I remember last Christmas. Always with the Calvarites, dinners made with love at Ps Daph's. To date, this will be my third real Christmas.

I set up a Christmas tree for him. He loves it i know :) I am coming out of the hellhole and reclusivity. I am beginning to smile more often. There is a delight in my heart. I still miss. but i know that all is well. I am beginning to allow myself to be more transparent with those closer to me, to depend on them a bit more instead of pushing them aside. It's very simple - I want to be purely happy. I havent had that untainted joy for a very long time. I don't want to be overwhelmed anymore by the practical issues of life cos i dont do that very well, the whole handling of practical issues.