i get moments like these - i'm walking along a semblance of the ideal place in my mind and reality gets displaced. the rush of morning air, the rising sun warming the earth after a long-drawn shower. i think of china. i think boy i need a holiday real bad its been long overdue. i think of january, the end of the deluge that's been hitting the region, and the extra bit of cash i have left after settling the rent, my nus loans and whatever necessities i need to pay off first. i think of my virgin pilgrimage of sorts to bangkok china kl koh phangan/samui, somewhere plausible.

i think that 'rigor mortis' has blocked my heart to write any piece relevant enough to be deemed wonderful and i wonder why my writing ceases to map itself to the longings of my heart. i think back on my entry in 2004 on my old blog, and it seems that deja vu has found its intimate friend in its past.


"The FlyFreeBird
i really feel like disappearing.

to somewhere away from everyone familiar, it'd be good if the place i'd fulfil my death-wish (again, this term is purely metaphorical, only known fully to me), kill myself, numb my emotions, develop healing powers and go through an intense process of rebirth. whatever's happening now (it is not purely situational/circumstantial, but encompasses multiple aspects : the emotional, the spiritual and the Blah..) - i need a distancing away from this ragged self.

i could honestly do a Bali/Tioman-sorta getaway if i had enough money. i wouldnt tell anyone at all, it'll be my own little secret. and yes, i would go there alone. i'd book my own three-star hut, look up all the varying ways of transportation, bring lotsa books, my swimming costume (no bikinis on foreign islands), sunblock and shades, my trusty little notebook to map out the rebirth of my soul, absolutely no makeup so as to remain ugly and not attract attention of local men there who would disturb this very great peace that i so desire, a paper pad so that i can write to my beloved friends about the little bits and scraps of insight/epiphanies that i have gained on this solitary tour, develop a sense of lightheartedness, humour and a carefree spirit by the end of the week and notice a fellow male traveller who is also on his solitary pilgrimage to higher states of being and we would talk, debate, enlighten ourselves on each other's various life-stories, indulge in politics, religion, literature, good films, human dynamics, music that soothe our souls and we would talk and talk in between two to three successive moonlights and maybe we would hold hands and lie on each other's shoulders because of the superb connection that we have established. but this is where i toe my line and this is my individual pilgrimage and with my newly acquired sense of humour and non-seriousness, i would say, thank you for sharing a part of yourselves and adding a sweet measure of your soul to myself but i must get back to myself and this level of reality is only temporal and unique to this period of time and place and this part of myself that you have come to know would cease to exist and my other selves which belong to my beloved friends and family back home has to resurface and realign itself once again. and if i should not meet a fellow traveller to indulge in once the week is over and my social self feels the need to re-emerge, i would rely on my individual resources to have imaginary conversations with myself and with the One Above and maybe buy a discman and listen to all that jazz and dance at night along the beach barefooted alone and develop a child-like inner poetic spirit and be daring and brave to pass quoted poems to fellow hut/hotel neighbours during dinner (by the beach, the sort where they'll barbecue for you on the spot whilst you take in the sea breeze) and i would recommend them my favorite poets and poems and writers with phrases that would stab right into their hearts (oh, i would approach only solitary beings. no families, no couples. only like-minded/situational souls) and if they resist conversation, i would go away still knowing that its a Pay-It-Forward World. then after two weeks, i'd return home, call up my friends for the individual dinner dates and allow them to delve through the many individuals i've met, and if none, allow them to see that i've re-emerged a much happier soul with the various new perspectives and understandings that i've acquired. and in the midst of the confines of my own sanctuary, say to myself, you've done good sha, for the experience lies in the very depths of my being and i know that i can go on to higher heights of adventures in life, that i will wait for no one to see me through the things i very much wish to accomplish, that change is ever-possible if you're ever stuck in a rut. like now.

i could really do with a Flyfreebird.
its wonderful where the human mind can take us.
the powers of our imagination is indeed able to provide the sort of ekstasis that you desire to transport you to another realm.
the physical reality and the imagination, once it is allowed a symbiotic relationship, one propelling the other to greater heights, can do your wonders in your life."

Posted on 22.11.2004 at 4:16 AM