'His madness was not of the head, but heart.' A mad heart. What is a mad heart?

Disgrace, J.M Coetzee

***

they say everything else is Vanity.

then delude yourself, deny vanity and its wanton nature, engorging upon itself, a self-mutilated body of pleasure disguised as sin. or am i wrong - sin disguised as sublime pleasure?

my writing is vanity, my thoughts its perpetual partner-in-crime, and there seems to be only one way to free oneself from that yoke, that burden. yet deliverance is nay, nigh, no, to the sobless vain. i pay homage to a self-denial of sorts.

so i stop writing, so these thoughts would cease clouding my unfettered mind, lest i suffer from a cerebral hangover - its manifestations more deadly than that of the intoxicated drunk.

but my thoughts are held captive, disallowed expression, quaking in fear in an anticipation of a release -always deferred, always second-hand.

under surveillance, one completely banishes these thoughts, only to realize that Freud would have been proud of himself - that smart-brained theorist. and so my heartfelt kudos to the Father of the Super-Ego and the Id, immortalized in my impressions, acknowledging that this cannot go on further. self-denial has its repercussions.

and as usual, i speak in concentric circles, in metaphors unknown to the dumb, the deaf, the blind.
self-censorship ceases when i face my own subjective truths, and re-align my vision, climbing that upward hill, sticks and stones may break my bones but words, words ,are all i have - towards the higher Truth, insignificant as i am, unworthy and undeserving as i am.

my first un-vainglorious act of the day. so help me please. mere mortals in flesh and blood have an undisguised need for divine s.o.s., quite often i must say.

argh.eek. i feel crabby.

how would it be if i were to leave singapore for 2 years cos im based overseas? a year from now.

flyfreebird tendencies dictate these impulses, but someone once said that it must be coupled with these two feet bound to the ground, and in my heart i am projecting the relationships with the people i hold close to my heart as one of the most strongest forces disallowing such [selfish?is it a necessity to disregard such impulses?under what conditions and to what ends?] personal desires to materialize?

im not telling, and i face it, even to myself.

someone once wanted to go to australia to further the studies.
someone once wanted to travel the world.
someone once wanted to explore human relationships.
someone once wanted to free oneself from obligations,

not i, not i, but because of me.

we are mirrors of each other - bound by a tendency to imitate, to perfom the desires of the other, failing to allow oneself to smash the Mirror, to break free from expected roles and conventions.

the human mind interrogates, and in that liminal space, we wait for answers. Revelations from the Divine One to illuminate these stupid questions we mortals ponder upon. stupid, because of its circularity, and stupid, because it might not be along the path of His will for us.

foolish mortals, and i am all the more foolish for problematizing everything.

i ll say, i ll say
i love you so
because the world cant take away Your love.

because i miss You so. because this love You have for me surpasses everything else.
because i am soul-weary and i am finding ways and means to tell You how much i love you, i am anxious to let You know how much it means for me that You know, just know, in all simplicity, no complications, no human pettiness, in all purity, that i love You, dear Father God.

it aches so much because i miss You so.